Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.

*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist

Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.

My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.

Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.

[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions

Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

Her: Where have you been?

Me: I went to see a shrink.

Her: Are you having emotional problems?

Me: No… I just want to be smaller.

Rain chat:

“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”

Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming

The lady beside me at the airport just pulled out a whole block of marble cheese and started gnawing on it. Frankly, my emotions are mixed

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.

what the hell is this stain?

– a memoir

My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.

Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…

Then it’s a soap opera!

“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”

“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him

I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”

Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.

Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*

Therapist: You’re late again

Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH

I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.

[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”

domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?

me: tell him to be ready to wrestle