I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
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*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.