I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
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Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
biblically accurate fire hydrant
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”
Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”
Success😎
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.