I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
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They’re called werewolves.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
This meeting could have been a cake
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.