I’m going on a work trip for a few days — but my husband has just suspiciously bought himself 3 bunt cakes in various flavors and isn’t mentioning it at all.
chat, i am full of concern
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My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
That’s amazing.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now