I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
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Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
🤣😂🤣
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
A choir of Spring onions
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection