Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet

1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?

Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”

Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.

I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”

Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough

My brain: what if the next tweet is The One

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

ME: we need to fight diabetes

INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*

Mgr: What’d she want?

Me: nothing.

Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?

I didn’t understand your joke, but let me give you my angry and confused take on it.

Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?

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I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.