I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Once on Rosh Hashanah when I was 14 or 15, I took a red potato & cut it perfectly to look like an apple slice, dipped it in honey & then gave it to my little sister. She has still not forgiven me or forgotten.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Brother?
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me, to kid: “Don’t be scared; it’s only a movie. It’s not like it’s REAL!”
Also Me: watched Poltergeist as a kid and still have lifelong trust issues with trees, clown dolls, TV static, & walk-in closets.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.