I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
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Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I love my 5yr old dearly, but if he keeps saying “Dark” Vader I may have to sell him.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.