Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”

BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder

HOST: Make yourself at home!

ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.

(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?

Not all heroes wear capes.

My 4yo niece: do you have a girlfriend?
Me: no
Niece: a boyfriend?
Me: no
[pause]

Niece: do you have a friend?

Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes

Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.

Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time

HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office

my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on

If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer

I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.

That guy is a genius.

Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect

That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away