Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting

Saw your ex at the shops

<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…

“Ow! I’m brined!”

Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?

Does laundry while drinking

*somehow washes a lampshade

i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.

My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning

I don’t do that

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can

*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky

A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…

Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox

Witch Son: ok broomer

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.

I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment

That sound when you close the cupboard and hear something fall inside.. that’s the sound of somebody else’s problem.

Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.

The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.

how it started vs how it ended

The people have spoken – if the 20th Anniversary Edition of Back to Bedlam is Number 1 next Friday, my new name will legally be…

Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet

Cinderella: I have size 5 feet

Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night

Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin

me: can you calm down

The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot

Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves

Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”

if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away

Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.