I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
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Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
Me recordaron éste meme
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
