Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days

My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying

-commercial break-

Husband: *silent*

-fight scene-

Husband: *completely and utterly silent*

-quiet dialogue scene-

Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets

what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.

[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?

Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.

[ first day as a villain ]

him: hi, how are you

me: very evil, thank you

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

God: *closes a door*

Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot

Anakin: How do we get in?

Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.

*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*

I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.

Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.

I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?

I decided against all those options and took the ticket.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too