Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.

People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

[A tissue manufacturer meeting]

“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”

How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.

Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

No. YOU-buprofen.

Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.

Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it

It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.

Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.

Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?

Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.

Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.