Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

STOP disrespecting my family

my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG

my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE

my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND

me

my grandmother is A SAINT

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

Fitness influencer: If you dab your single pizza slice with a napkin, you can save on fat and calories.

Me: If you cut a pizza in half, it technically only counts as two slices.

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

so logan paul and jake paul are different people?

I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.

Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back

pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.

Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO

“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”

Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.

I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”

Banking tips

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…

11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”

Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.

[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”

My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.

A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”

Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream