I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
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Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10
So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes