I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
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I asked my boss “What do u want me to do with this 6 metre roll of bubble wrap?”
He said “Just pop it in the Corner”.
4 hours it took me!
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
*mops up wine with cat*
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.