I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie
Genie: *snaps fingers*
Me: …what changed?
Genie: your mom was shot in the woods
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
asking santa clause for nudes
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it