I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
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This edible ainβt shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
normal brain: βyouβre now unsubscribed from our mailing listβ
big brain: βplease tell us why youβve unsubscribedβ
exploding brain: βtype in the email address youβd like us to remove from our listβ
galaxy brain: βplease log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Donβt tell me. Is it 4?
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, whatβs the number
Me: they didnβt say
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: Thatβs really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I canβt hear you because Iβm 240,000 miles away and sound doesnβt travel in space. Die in a fire.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho Iβm not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: π
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we donβt get a good grade on our daughterβs science fair project.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. Weβre not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
My daughter just told me Iβm giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think Iβm finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
How dude HOW?!
βWhat do you think youβre doing?β
βYou ate one halfβ¦β
βYeah, so?β
βThis is the otter half!β
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatricianβs waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on itβs own.
an edibles food truck and iβd call it the cannabus.