Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink

If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.

How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?

CATHOLICS: 18

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.

Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.

McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

My dream is to buy a horse and race it. The horse will probably beat me but it’ll still be fun

scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.

Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…

I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25

I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.

Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.

My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.

Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself

Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear

Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff

My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.

My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving