I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
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Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
[ER Triage Room]
NURSE: So what brought you in tonight?
GUY WITH NAIL IN HEAD: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla, but I don’t see how that’s important right now
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!