I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”
0 for 3 so far.
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Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Catering service
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?