I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
If you leave your trash cans out all week you’ll always be the first to have them at the curb
◾️
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
🤔😂😂
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
happy halloween
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
meanwhile over on facebook
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.