Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room

“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.

Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?

Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”

You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Jan – Nov: depressed

December: depressed but with tinsel

Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.

Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation

hey can I use your bathroom?

cashier: only paying customers

jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Laverne, at age 11, has learned that she can nip people to get their attention. It’s cool that she can still learn new things but why are these things never “being nice”

Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

*telling the bus driver to stop at the sperm bank….
“This is where I get off.”

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.