I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
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Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
*has no idea what a book even is*
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Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.