I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
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9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
do what now??
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.