Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Executioner: last meal?

Me: I want to eat the electric chair

Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that

Cult Leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods

*me pulling up in my jeep with rubber ducks on my dashboard*

Me: why’s everyone looking at me?

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help

Me: I went to the park today

Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that

Me *opens coat* this duck

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……

The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet

ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

I ate a bag of Doritos and immediately followed it with half a giant bag of gummy bears and surprisingly enough I do not feel good now

Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.

HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.

ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.

Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.

doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.

me: i know but it’s so itchy.

*Packing for a trip*

Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.

Son: Teach me to fight

Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*

[later]

Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground

Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?

[Block Party]

Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.

Host: Just toss them on the fire.

[Later]

Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?

Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!

[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°