Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.

If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.

To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack

Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.

Date: everything ok?

Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife

Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?

Me: tonight if you play your cards right

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.

My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.

He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.

I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping

First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.