Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.

[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason

Ape together strong

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.

Negotiating with a 3 year old:

Me: pick out two books to read.

3yo: no five books!

Me: fine three books.

3yo: no five books!

Me: no one book!

3yo: no TWO books!

Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.

I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.

That ends five minutes ago.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Happy Thanksgiving

ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑

I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.

WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”

ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”

Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.

What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.

Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.

I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right

*me, drinking my morning coffee in my slippers* I really need to wash some mugs