I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
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Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
The best shot in the history of golf
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
“Chantal, is the indicator working?”
“Yes. Wait, no. Now again yes. No. Yes. No.”#FridayMorning #RubbishJokes