Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up

windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers

[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…

fish: yeah this happens a lot

[at condiment counter]

*does shot of ketchup*

Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk

Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

“Kill it!!”
“Relax Sam, it’s just a spider.”
“KILL IT!”

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.

I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.

People be like “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy” me personally I would wish some crazy shit on a minor rival

Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

8: I wish we celebrated Christmas so we could ice skate.

Me: Jews can ice skate too dude.

🥴😂

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!

(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like