I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
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Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?