I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
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Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Don’t come back here with your bullshit.
Me, coming back with my bullshit:
He’s been in and out of rehab for 15 years, has had multiple run-ins with the law, eats human flesh and never sleeps. Women: I’ll fix him.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.