I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
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Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.