Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.

Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Holy moly

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?

Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.

“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

God: you can breathe underwater!

Fish: nice.

God: also eat and drink underwater.

Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?

God:

Fish: just on the land or something?

Interior design 👌

Do zombies go to heaven when they die?

I hope so.

There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”

guilty

the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad

A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this