Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

honk shuah. sleep on that thang

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!

Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.

[Bowling Alley]

“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”

*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*

People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.

“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.

The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.

Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON

Nobody invites me to spa day…

Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.

Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.

Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.

Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.

With your tongue.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.

Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.