Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke

i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults

Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker

I often offer prayers for my parents to be smiling and happy as they look down on me from heaven, but dad says if I include it again when I’m saying Grace it will be the last time they visit for Thanksgiving.

Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]

*Falls off ladder*

Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?

She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.

Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

Am I romantic?

I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.

So, I don’t know.

You tell me.

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

The game? A foot.

The door? A jar.

The Fred? A stair.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

No one:

My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude

As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room

Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.