Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pep talk

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.

Netflix and awkward silence?

Friend, at my first Pride: are you disappointed?

Me, dressed as a lion: no it’s fine

My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.

My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.

In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM

When William Shakespeares first wrote the bible, he called the four horsemen of the apocalypse Smelt, Dealt, Denied & Supplied.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*

For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.

If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.

I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.

Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.

Woman: I’m a penguin.

Therapist: No, I meant lie down.

Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.

I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.

Genie: you have three wishes.

Me: i want a million wishes.

Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*