Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.

We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields

Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.

Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.

The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.

Them: Do you know what your problem is?

Me: Yes.

me: *dies*
death: welcome to the afterlife
me: how do I get to heaven?
death: *points* go up those stairs
me: what about hell?
death: *points* go down those stairs
me: and limbo?
death: *points* just duck under that bar

Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for

Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand

Dear predictive text,

I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

[sits down for a minute]
*gets up three hours later*

Friend: Wanna go for a run?

Me: From what?

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”