Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Howl 😭

Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.

If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.

*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*

Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me

Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.

Now I feel sick

“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People

“She is not fine.”

~Sun Tzu

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

Sure, intimacy is great and all, but have you ever slept diagonally on a king size bed.

“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”

I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.

I’m hosting an antisocial potluck,
Feel free to drop off your food and go

Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.

Police: Because you keep killing people

Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.

Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…

Wrong answers only !

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

[first date]

I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.

*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*

-Yeah, totally.

Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.

*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.

Alexa turn off the planet