Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.

*steps on a spider*

“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.

not seeing the problem

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.

a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread

My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

Person: how does writing work?

Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise

Person: then you’re done with the book?

Writer: then you move to the next sentence

when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good

if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute

I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.

[first day as burglar]

me : OMG SNACKS

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Boss: Why were you late today?

Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*

Me: Traffic.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?

Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.

It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…

Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

[on deathbed]

“Tell my Wif… *cough*”

Yes? Tell her what?

“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”

[dies]

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.