Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.

cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

*after sex

No, you cannot sleep over.

Husband:

Things to know before you date me:

1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

[1st date]

date: …you said you had abs

me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan

My body is a temple

for potatoes.

do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam

me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello

kidnapper: pls stop talking

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?

Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*

They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.

shazam but for random noises outside

Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

WB: We want you to play the Penguin.
Colin Farrell: OK.
WB: But you’ll have to wear a ton of uncomfortable prosthetics for long periods of time.
Farrell: Sure.

*3 years later*

Farrell: I didn’t sign up for this.

My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?

Me: Taylor Swift for a while.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off