I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
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The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science