Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.

Peace was never an option

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.

sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations

Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.

– Horton Has to Poo

Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this

Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

:/

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.

I’ve FINALLY found out what chronology is.

And it’s about time.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

Shout out to humans as bipedals, positively freakish the way our posture’s all straight up and vulnerable. Nobody in the game doin it like we do

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Thanks to a fan for this one!

‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?

I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.

Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.

Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.

My husband just brought me a glass of wine unprompted. He must’ve noticed I cut my bangs today.

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”