Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife

Me when I hear gossip

In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me

[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.

*Speeding*

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: My singing?

Cop:

Me: My smile?

Cop:

*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly