I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
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BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
When I get mad at my wife I don’t yell or stop doing chores or anything like that.
I log on to her YouTube channel and watch car repair and golf videos.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
a guy told me his name was Drazen earlier and he did not appreciate me asking if that was short for dried raisin
#DesignFail
Best comet pics yet. 🤣 ☄️
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?