I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
Capital punishment should only be used for people who say the meeting will end early and then run 5 minutes over.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.