I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
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I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
The Sun
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
nature’s most graceful animal
sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
