Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
If you love someone, set them free . . . if they come back with a large pepperoni pizza and wings, it was meant to be.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.