Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,

I don’t understand.

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.

Partner: One of us?

Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.

like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.

I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.

Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky

no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted

Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest

You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤

~Conversations I have with my couch

Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.

Choose your seat? $10 fee

Check a bag? $30 fee

Want a pilot? $50 fee

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.

interviewer: why do u want this job

me: i love health insurance

[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”

Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Dear student,

When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.

Yours,

A disturbed lecturer

[Putting on a fitted sheet]

Me: Dammit this is the short side.

Me: This is somehow also the short side.

*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?

Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere

“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*