I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich