I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Every house has this drawer
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
wut hotdog?
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window