I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
[middle of a heated argument]
Him: I’m leaving you
Her: fine with me, I’ll get the door for you *opens the oven*
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Chicken bread
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.