Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours

Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please

BBC: *reveals new Doctor*

Me: Nice!!

…
…

Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-

Caveman Summer

Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.

Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.

so much to do

Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself

#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.

*Goes to a monastery knocks on the door. A monk answers the door.

Monk: (smiles) Hello. May I help you?
Me: By Chance is your name Chip?
Monk: What?
Me: If your name is Chip that would make you Chip-Monk! Get it? Like Alvin yah know?
Monk: *Whispers “Thou Shall Not Kill”.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

President The Rock Obama

Was just called down to Human Resources.

Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.

My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.