I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
“Do you have a good reason for calling your wedding off?”
“I can’t say I do”
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
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When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.