I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
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It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
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The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.