Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I am served half an egg at a restaurant,

I wonder to myself:

Who has the other half of my egg?

Two strangers;

Living their lives;

Sharing an egg.

salesman: you’ll like this car

me: how many dogs fit in it

salesman: how many what

me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.

Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.

me: do u take walk-ins?

morgue: what

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.

This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

“IT BURNS!”

-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.

Be brave. Tell your boss “I don’t think we are quite there yet” when he uses your first name.

me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays

spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?

every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea

Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.

Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.