Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…

Life is crazy…

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster

This is a genius move

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.

Me: you’re a coward

Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.

Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.

HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction

ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told

date: i love mussels

me: i hate working out

date: i mean from the sea

me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman

Always leave the cult better than you found it.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped

Me: I’m a mature adult

Also me:

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

I have a black belt in leather

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

me: excuse me, my chicken is cold

waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

I went to a job interview, and it didn’t go well.

How was I supposed to know HTML doesn’t mean how to make lasagna?

I mean, I don’t know how to make lasagna either, but they didn’t know that.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.

Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition

Me: oh no

Doctor: and then you were in an accident

*pronounces “naked” like “baked”

Dear Satan,

God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.

Love,
Me