Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I need to pee

Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie

me: sure

[at her place]

her: *waiting for me to make a move*

me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking

It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic

Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?

While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

my back wasn’t made for hard labor*

*getting out of bed.

[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye

I can never eat just one Christmas ornament

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

I know everything is expensive right now, but just remember correcting people’s grammar online is still free.

What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end

I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song

Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.

Wife: What’s going on?

Me: Updog

Wife: Oh not that joke again

Me: Just say it!

Wife: Fine, what’s updog?

Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house

Wife: Holy shit

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”

Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.

Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.

Conversations with my pets:

Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!

Me: Please could you
Cat: No.

Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.

Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.

Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?