I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Not even remotely sorry.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Sometimes I’ll buy one of those really big bags of posh Tyrells Crisps and think “why, this amount of crisps will last me three, maybe four days?”. But then I will sit down with the big bag of crisps, and I will enter into what might medically be referred to as a “crisp trance”.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store