I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
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90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I asked my mom what she was doing and she said oh just watching trail cam footage and I asked of what? And she said, of a man stealing a trail cam.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I’m listening
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.