I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️
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The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
This bar smells like my childhood.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden