Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The legends speak of a third Duran…

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”

Call any time! *terms and conditions apply

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

“Who’s the new guy?”
“We’ll explain later.”
“But-“
“Just look at the camera, Steve.”

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”

My mouth: safe splot

All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.

Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

Humans™

they start off corded but convert to wireless easily

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.

Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.

When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.

1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM

boss: this company is more profitable than ever

me: how about a raise?

boss: sorry i have to take this call

me: your phone isn’t ringing

boss: [fakes heart attack]