Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get all the cardio I need by running out of patience.

ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]

How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches

WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*

Husband: you’re late

Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog

Husband: No

Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets

My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”

Do I have to wear real clothes?

-my kid on the last day of school

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

[Home invasion]

Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap

Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

I love salt. What does it even feel like to have too much sodium??
*eats one Slim Jim*
Oh.

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”