Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Do that thing that I like

Cop: I’m not frisking you again

women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed

[about to climb Mt. Everest]

Me: omg is there no parking ?

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

ME: These frog testicles are delicious!

GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes

My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.

All right then, keep your secrets

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life

I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language

*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!

Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson

How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?

If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.

Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.

I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.