Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Straight people are cancelled

its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

[Haunted house]

Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}

I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean

I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?

Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!

Is Mark short for something like Markathon?

My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife

beginning to suspect my gf is only using me for my foot warming capabilities late at night

The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?

Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.

(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together

Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.

280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!

Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*