Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Working as a bouncer}

ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*

Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body

Disciples: ooh

Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood

Disciples: ahh

Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me

Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.

Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.

How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD

I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.

*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!

funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!

*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”

DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich

ME: Damn I bet it’s so good

DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27

In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.

HER: We need to talk.

ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.

HER: …

ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.

Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778

The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway

-inventor of the Biscotti

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.

I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.

her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*

me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

Me: Is your friend coming or what?

16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.

Me: Why don’t you call him?

Son: I don’t know what that is.