Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.

Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”

You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.

“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.

Pescatarian is a beautiful name for a baby

Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.

🗽

I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire

4: When will I stop growing?

Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.

4: But you still grow.

Me: No I don’t.

4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.

Me:

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes

Patron: I’ll have the french toast

Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?

Me: Be invisible.

Kid: To fight bad guys, right?

Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.

I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.

(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.

Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)

*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

The most embarrassing thing happened to me yesterday and I just need to tell this story because it’s making me laugh every time I remember it. So I was taking the metro yesterday, and first I want to clarify that I was born and raised in DC and have been taking the metro my entire life. I am NOT new to the metro. So yesterday I swiped my SmarTrip and it said the trip started but the turnstile gates didn’t open. So I went to the booth guy and told him and he was like “oh, ok I’ll just let you in through the emergency gate” and I was a little confused because I didn’t see any gate, there were only turnstiles and a metal fence with no gate. I was like “where?” and he pointed to the fence so I went over and like, it was clearly just a fence? But he keep gesturing me to pull on it! So I did, and of course it didn’t budge because it was a METAL FENCE built into the floor. And I’m pulling and pulling on what any human see is a fence when a guy walks by and CLEARLY thinks I’m just the dumbest person on earth and have no idea how to enter the metro and very kindly is like “you need to swipe your card and go through the turnstile” and walked way like I was brand new to EARTH. And then the booth guy came out and was like, “oh sorry, you’re right that’s just a fence, I thought it was a gate” and scanned me through the turnstile.

my dog: LEMME OUT

me: you gonna bark?

dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT

me: what things?

dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT

me: you don’t need to bark at the wind

dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT

The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”

How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”

Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents

Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?

Me: *stomach rumbling*

8: Why is your tummy making those noises?

M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive

SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it

[a light glows in the corner]

ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?

My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get

His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me

Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.