Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
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Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did