I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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Quadruple digit IQ
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
who wore it better?
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi