I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times