I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
My lawyer said I broke the record for how many times the word mayonnaise was used in a will at 13 times. The previous record was zero.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Love is always patient and kind.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
“Huge”.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
My dream job is getting paid to dream
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
The place where I wanted to apply for a job was closed, so I wrapped my resume around a brick and threw it through their front window
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.