Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.

her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…

him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts

Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.

Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.

Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.

Looks like we all just want to stay home.

cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees

My yoga instructor was drunk today.

Put me in a very awkward position.

The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.

No surprise that a third place is with relationships.

We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?

Me: …

Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it

Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested

told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.

Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.

me: freedom implies the existence of freesub

subway: we said no

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do