Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*

Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood

Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!

Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any

Me: Yes! Because it’s mine

Wife: Because of the alc

Me: Because of the alcohol

*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch around

Are these the stairs that guy dragged you down?

*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*

Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—

*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars

“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion

GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.

Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.

Do you believe in aliens ?

If so , do they have genitals?

ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470

SON: So cats don’t have much taste

CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious

I pirated a movie yesterday…

I gave it 3.14 stars.

In Mission Impossible 3, Ethan’s cover job is working for the Department of Transportation so that when he talks about how “traffic has a memory” people get bored and stop asking questions, but that wouldn’t work on me. I would ask him so many questions he would have to kill me.

Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.

“Bigotry”

-an Italian guy describing an oak

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.