I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
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Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
hey, alexa
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Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”