Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.

-kids

[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.

Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.

[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid

[Wine tasting]

Me: Yep. Wine.

“So you walk, then walk some more. Sometimes there’s hills. Oh yeah and you have to say hi to absolutely everyone you see or else.” – Person that invented hiking

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.

So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe

My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.

Kids: Where?

Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.

Kids: WHERE!

Me: He’s picking up our car.

Kids: WHERE?!?

Me: He’s hurling us through the air.

Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!

Teaching my kid math like:

If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?

I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”

Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

Become a minion. Get that bread.

PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”

They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”

That suggestion has holes in it.

Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.

Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

When ever I read an autobiography, my biggest question is always, how the fuck did you remember all that?

my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.