Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.

Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?

Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

[Using raccoons for a heist]

Pros:

• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfit

Cons:

• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety

Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite

Me (acing this date):

One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T

Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”

Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.

Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?

Left at a local drug store…

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.

When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.

When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.

these two trucks have the same bed length

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them