I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I’m not saying that my family doesn’t clean but if I come home to the smell of bleach my first assumption would be someone was murdered.
I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I found a set of keys everyone was looking for in the pub so i’m a magpie now apparently if anyone’s lost any shiny shit
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast