I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
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Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Nobody:
Toy Makers: KIDS ARE PROBABLY HARD OF HEARING SO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING IS LOUD
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.