[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
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i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
a god among men
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?