I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

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Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.


The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.


“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England


the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words


if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck


Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.


Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.


If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!


My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her


Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color