@eslpaul

I’m going to Costco later if anyone wants to share a 24-pack of mini fridges

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@rationalists

Republicans say they’re not satisfied with Michele Obama’s speech because she didn’t give it from her kitchen.

@julianpopov

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. No one remembers where this tradition originated, but every year it attracts many tourists from all over the world.

@TheAlexNevil

“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England

@KelgoreTrout

the easiest way to distinguish between their/there/they’re is to remember that they are all different words

@mrjohndarby

if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck

@Beamo23

Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@MomOnFire

If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!

@HeyoShellz

My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her

@Fredzipfel

Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color